When I was 12, I started cutting myself. It was just the beginning of some of the most memorable, yet some of the worst years of my life. I think at the time I was justifying what I was doing by telling myself that I was testing my pain tolerance, but being able to look back, I can see that it was so much more. I was too afraid to actually cut myself deeply, not because of the pain itself but because of what people, my family, would think. So for those who have actually hurt themselves I can’t quite say that I was in the same boat as many others, but what I can say is that I contemplated death many, many, many times.
When went into high school, I felt so alone. I knew many people there and wasn’t by myself all of the time, I was just alone. I spent countless hours throughout my time in high school, between classes or at lunch or break, just wandering the halls. It was like I was looking for someone, anyone who I would come across who would just stop and ask me to hang out or talk. I was soo alone. I had friends, or people I could hang out with sometimes, but I was always lacking that true companionship people have with their friends. I would come home from school, many days, and just sit in my room. I cried a lot. More than once, I had a rope tied around my neck, the other end to the railing, and was 4 fingers away from seeing the end. Again I think that the only thing that ever stopped me was the thought of the disappointment from my family. I longed so deeply to be accepted, loved, that I couldn’t even kill myself because I would be looked down upon.
I tried running away one day. I got in my car and just decided to leave. I got about 60km away before turning around because I thought that I had responsibilities of being at school. I let my fears of failure and disappointment overpower my need to be happy. Although I went through these struggles by myself, I think that because I was able to have outlets like snowboarding and skateboarding (individual sports) to be able to relieve some of my stresses, I was able to get through them. It may not have been the best way but it worked me. You would think that being the captain of the football team, a pretty good skateboarder/snowboarder, and not exactly the ugliest guy in the school, that I would have been able to find what I was looking for, I didn’t. Not for a long time at least. I can honestly say that high school was the worst experience of my life. Towards the end, I was able to find a couple people that could take my mind away from the pain that it had felt for so long, but it was still there just a little more cloudy. I started drinking, and not that I really let it effect me because I had already given up on school but it definitely didn’t help. some days I would ever bring a drink right into class with me, mixing rum and coke in a bottle let me have a few naps during my days.
I didn’t see the positive things that I had in my life. I had a home, and was always active, and had people around me who cared. Maybe I am only seeing that now; I didn’t back then. Even though most people have always seemed to like me, I have always struggled to gain close friends. I always wanted to be included in the group and have a close group of friends that would actually invite me to do things, or just someone to have that I could call my best friend and whom they did the same with me. I was always striving to have that but it never came until later on which I feel only lasted a short time. Every to this day, I have my best friend who I am married to but still struggle to be “part of the group”. I think that over the years I have grown to deal with the disappointment, which has really prevented me from being able to show the mountains of emotions I have buried inside of me.
It has been a very long time since the thoughts of suicide have gone through my head, but there are still many days that I will break down and cry. Not because I have the same mindset because I am as far from that as possible now, but I think that because I allowed myself to get into such a bad place for so long. I have a strong support system who I know that I can trust and who love me. I have been able to accomplish so many great things that I have made goals for and I am only just beginning on my journey. I still strive for the acceptance that I have always wanted, except now I have the ability to reach that the proper way. I have grown to be stronger, more knowledgeable, more caring, more giving of myself, and most of all, more grateful for every single thing I have been so blessed to have. Everything from my amazing family, to each grain of sand on this earth. I can see how awesome our world is and how much it has to offer so I plan on reaching out to touch as much of it as I can before it’s time for me to leave this place.
I want to show my children what its like to live a life full of abundance, happiness, and gratitude. I want to help people in their own lives, to reach for greatness. I want to be old, and saying that I have no regrets in my life because I did everything in my power not to waste the time given to me. I want to LIVE.