So it’s been quite some time since I had last written, and even longer since I had posted anything on here, so I’d like to give a little bit of an explanation for my absence.
This morning when I woke up just before 4:00 am, I felt completely rejuvenated. I was filled with an urge to seize the day with an immense amount of passion. A passion that I hadn’t felt in quite some time; and it feels great. I’ve really been focusing on making sure that I am waking up super early to sit with my thoughts, read, stretch, work out and take a firm grip of the day “right off the hop.” I’d highly encourage you to try it out yourself. Once you get past the initial sluggishness of the first week or two, you’ll see how great it can be to get up before the rest of the world.
So…a while back, I had stepped away from a few things that I had been doing; this blog, facebook and insta posts and videos, reading, and many personal development events. I needed to take some time to focus on my family and myself a bit more deeply. I needed to be a little bit more present in my own life and make sure that I was being the best father, husband, and business owner that I could be. In hind site, I could have kept a few of the things that I had stepped away from but I didn’t want me attention pulled in too many different directions.
Since I had stopped most of those things, I had tried popping back on here and writing a few different times, but my writing didn’t seem to flow as well as I would have liked and even seemed a bit forced, so I didn’t publish it…then my Brother passed…it was the most difficult thing that I’ve had to endure. I had tried to write during the time surrounding his death, but I was filled with so many different emotions that anything that I wanted to say would end up in a mishmash of thoughts with little to no direction. I’ve saved those drafts and may come back to them at a later date.
When my Brother had died, each of us in my family had lost a piece of ourselves. Our minds have shifted, and now instead of the regular thoughts of everyday life, there is another part that is always reminded of the pain that we feel. I’ve only experienced emotions like these once before, which lasted a few months; that was the time that my son had almost drown in a pool. But otherwise, never have I experienced grief. I didn’t even understand what that actually meant because I had never lost anyone who was that close to me. It’s indescribable.
Since His passing, I have listened to the same song almost every day (Nuvole Bianche by Ludovico Einaudi) and each time it has brought tears to my eyes, if not, its had me complete broken down. The song has no relation to my brother but is simply filled with emotion. It tears at my heartstrings. But today was different. As I mentioned above, today I woke up in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time and when I heard this song today I couldn’t do anything but smile. I thought only of the good times that I had with him instead of the pain that I felt from missing him. It’s nice to feel a few positive thoughts while being reminded of him.
I don’t know what this change in reaction to the song means, if it means anything at all, but I hope that it means that I’m healing. I’ve always tried my best to have a positive outlook with everything that has happened, but it’s not always the positive that comes out, especially when someone you love passes. I’m hoping that my change in reaction to the song, the way that I’ve been feeling, and getting back into personal growth, means that I’m finally ready to use my pain to help others. To use my experience and my grief in a positive way, that shows people that even when we feel at our worst, good things can still come.
Everyone has pain inside of them. It may not be the pain of loss, but everyone has something, EVERYONE. It’s not until we are able to truly acknowledge our pain, and know that it happened for a reason, that we are able to start to heal and move forward. Every thing that has happened in our lives has brought us into this current moment. We would not be where we are without the things that had happened in our lives, both good and bad. Some of us may be in a bad place right now, some of us might be in the best place, but it isn’t until we realize that where we are right now is what is going to take us to where we will end up. If you want something different in your life, it’s these things that we have had to endure to be able to get us to our destination. We just have to learn to feel our pain, all of it, not just the most recent. We need to learn that it’s a part of us and not something that we can get rid of. We all have the ability to grow, it just takes the courage to take the first step, then the second and so on.
As of late, I’ve started going back to the gym, waking up early, reading, and posting regularly again. I can’t really say for sure whether or not I will continue to write because I really need to be in a special mood to ensure that what I am putting out there is my true self. If I’m just doing it for the sake of doing it, then I may still write but it won’t necessarily be published. I hope that’s not the case because I do enjoy the time I have while writing but I guess we will all have to wait to see what happens. Hell for all I know I might start incorporating it into my daily morning routine, and you all might have something to read everyday lol.
Anyways, this is me signing off for now.
Enjoy you day.