Most of us have been there, and some of us have been there a lot more than others. A topic quickly raises into a heated discussion and soon turns into a full on screaming match. An argument that most of the time ends with things being said that aren’t meant, name calling, sometimes crying, someone storming out and the other left filled with emotion that has no way of constructively getting it out. These types of arguments don’t happen very often in our house but generally when they do they can come on pretty quickly and often seem to last for quite a while.
Most couple are compiled of two different people, raised differently, with different thought processes, different ways of expressing themselves, and just an all around difference in opinion on certain things. It can therefore only be expected that in time arguments are going to come up and sometimes things might get heated from time to time. My relationship with Candice is no exception. I tend to be very strongly opinionated, stubborn, and calculated, while she tends be emotional, sensitive, and irrational; so when we find ourselves butting heads, it can escalate fairly quickly and once it’s done, things tend to be fairly quite for a few hours to a day or so later. I’m not really sure what “the experts” might say about going months without an argument and then having a blowout but it has been the way that we’ve done things since we’ve been together for the past 15 years so I can’t see things changing anytime soon.
I don’t know whether or not the way we do things is a great way to have it or not but what I do know is that when the argument is done and we’ve had some time to cool down, a least one of us will always apologize. Sometimes it’s within minutes, other times may not be until the next day but we will acknowledge our mistakes. For instance, this most recent argument was 100% my own fault. I still might carry my stubbornness towards the original topic to an extent, but I know that there are way better ways to express my opinion than the way that I did and it’s completely up to me to try to ensure that in the future I am more empathetic to her feelings before jumping into an unnecessary argument…I saw this flaw almost immediately and made sure that I took the blame right away. It doesn’t always happen so quickly but it’s important that it does happen at some point and that the apology comes, because otherwise the wound stays there, never truly heals and eventually comes back around even worse.
There are always going to be arguments between Candice and I because that’s just who we are. But that’s okay. Arguments let’s us know that we still have passion inside of us. That we still care about things enough to fight for them. The fight may not always be right or necessary but it can still teach us something. There are so many people that decide to through things away when the tough times come, instead of putting in the work to deal with it, or to put their ego to the side and say “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong”. They don’t want to do the hard part of what comes with a relationship and they don’t want to open up and talk about any issues ahead of time…Now don’t get me wrong an important part of any relationship is being able to put aside your ego and admitting mistakes but being able to have a relationship that is open in the first place is even more important.
Relationships are based on love, trust, and communication. If you take any one of those things away then there is a breakdown in the relationship. I think that arguments are going to happen in even the best relationships, but when there is always an open line of communication, whether good or bad, then there is a possibility for that relationship to continue to thrive even through the tough times. When there is regular communication, the tough conversations will have already happened but the topic would have been discussed in a different way and while both people are level headed, not upset; so when the argument does come, it’s easier for one person to say, “I was wrong”.
Its never expected for any relationship to be perfect. And if a couple never argues then there may actually be bigger chance that they aren’t able to push beyond an argument if one ever did come up. But being able to have a relationship filled with communication gives it the fortitude to go the distance. Talk to your partner. Be open to hearing about your flaws so that you can be an even better partner. Make jokes about each other and about yourselves. Build a relationship that continually reinforces its foundation every day so that one day when a storm comes and knocks off a few bricks, it’s still standing strong ready for anything that this world has to throw at it.
I haven’t spoken about love or trust in this post because they each deserve their own writing on their own but whether it is Love, Trust, or Communication, they are all equal parts to a relationship and need to be focused on continually. Many of us don’t do this. We fail to put in the effort everyday. Every relationship that we have, whether it’s with our spouse, partner, children, family, friends, co-workers, or even clients, needs to be worked on continually in order for it to prosper for many years. All too often we put in a just a small amount of work, enough to satisfy our immediate need and then we stop and let it slowly fade away. If you couple the three key ingredients to every relationship with continuity/consistency then those relationships will become extremely difficult to break, even through the most difficult of struggles.
Like I had mentioned at the top, our relationship isn’t perfect and neither are we by any means but from the beginning we had built a strong foundation based on consistent love, trust, and communication so when these arguments do come, which they always will, we will be powerful enough as a couple to get through them and use them to strengthen ourselves and each other.